I *NEED* attention!! Look at me, over here, me, me, me!!

When people go out to eat they need things. When people need things in a restaurant they result to any ridiculous and annoying means to get your attention. Here are a couple behaviors and actions that I've taken notice of. (Warning!!! I do and do not agree with the below actions)

- "The 747" (bringing the plane in for the landing) - This action requires two arms waving feverishly in the air above the customers head much like what you see out the airplane window before taking off or landing. It takes everything in my power not to do the exact same style of waving back at the customer. (No one said I was sweet)

- "The *Thank You God* Point" - This can be seen mainly on the Academy Awards, Grammy Awards, and other award shows when celebrities point up to God in thanks. Notable behavior required: one arm raised above the head at full stretch with finger pointed to God or ceiling. Arm goes up when server is approaching or passing. Warning!! If arm remains up with pointed finger this may just be "The Ultimate Fan" or "The Teacher's Pet" (see below). Customer may or may not make eye contact while doing this move.

- "The Come Here, You're In Trouble Finger" (best with mom stare) - This is what you used to get when you did something super bad when you were a kid. This is usually performed by parents yet does not discriminate from others using this tactic. As a server this is highly annoying and puts me in my six year old place. I want to know what's wrong but also want to run the other way to ensure my safety.

- "The Uncomfortable Shy Wave" - This is exhibited by people that don't want to trouble themselves or others yet need something. These types of people usually have a very low quite voice and avoid making any eye contact. This type of customers does not respond to any sort of aggressive or head strong energy. Look.. I'm not going to beat you, I just need to know what you need.

- "The Glass Tap" - The annoying person that taps on their empty glass with a finger or ring. DO NOT EVER DO THIS!!!! EVER!!!! If you aren't giving a speech or have a special announcement - DO NOT do this behavior. This is the worst fucking way to get your server/bartenders attention. In fact this is the perfect way to get someone to ignore you. (The sister move to "The Glass Tap" is shaking your empty glass - NOT OK)

- "The Drive-by Grab" - This behavior happens when people are talking and don't have time to use other methods to get your attention. Server walks past table to attend to other tables as customers arm reaches out in a grabbing motion. This is not a very effective technique to get your servers attention since most people don't like to be touched by strangers.

- "The Teacher's Pet" - Remember sitting by the know it all kid in elementary school... yeah the one with their hand constantly in the air waiting for the teacher to call on them. Yep, that's the one, the one that does the impatient hand jiggle forcing gravity out of their know it all way. This can be effective and tolerable yet it's still somewhat annoying embodying the frustration that Ms. Norris must've felt.

- "The Dog Whisperer" or "The Cesar Milan" - This is when customers get your attention by making strange "pssst.. pssst" noises with their mouth. Some actions that go with this behavior include pointing and snapping your fingers. I usually avoid giving these people my attention right away since I am not a dog and don't respond to "pssst.. pssst". Use your words people.

- "The Shout Out" - Customers have decided to bypass all other typical behavior and go straight for the shout out. "HEY", "YO", and if they know your name (better hope they don't) "DONNA"!! This tactic can be effective yet is startling for those waiting on you.

- "Doo-Wop Snap" - This is pretty self explanatory if you ask me but for the sake of explanation: This is when customers use finger snapping to get your attention. Varieties on the behavior include: "The Dog Whisperer" and "The Shout Out". In rare cases you can see this used in cahoots with "The Drive By Grab". This is often seen by hipsters that are used to using finger snapping rather than clapping at shows.

- "The Jedi Mind Trick" - This is a mind controlling method used by customers to literally will you over to them. You can see this clearly when you notice someone starring intently at you with a concentrated somewhat frustrated look. Variations on the behavior include two fingers pointed in the air much like that of famous Jedi's from Star Wars movies. The other notable variation is a finger or two on the temple of the onlooker. I personally don't mind this method and am amused by the somewhat effectiveness of it,  not too mention how ridiculous most people look doing it.

- "The Unicorn" - This is typical of bar patrons rather than people sitting at a table, yet I've seen it with both. This is when the customer uses their pointed finger near their eyes or forehead to point at their empty glass for a refill or whatever else needs attention.

- "The Ultimate Fan" - See "The Thank You God Point" for reference. This is simply when the #1 team finger stays in the air unwavering.

These are just a few actions that I have taken note of over the years. The styles and behaviors are subject to change and often do. The bottom line here is: treat people the way you'd like to be treated. Pssst, pssst.

TIP TALK - (to ensure prompt service)

A lifetime ago I worked in a small kitschy diner in a small dull town. I worked during the day with ladies who were career waitresses, they were older and could serve tables in their sleep. Deb, Patti, and Cyndi, I called them the truck stop waitresses behind their backs. Most of them exhibited the truck stop look: leathery tanned skin, gobs of tacky gold jewelry, a deep smokers voice, big aqua net hair, and Virginia Slim cigarettes - which they called "mokes". Anyway, I worked with all of them on different days of the week. We were brilliant with the all you can eat blue plate breakfast specials. We had attitude, sass, and we were really fucking good at what we did.

We had one particular regular that we would fight over, anytime he came in it was a mad dash to get to his table first. He was obviously a well put together guy and seemed successful. He always liked what was on the menu yet tweaked every single item to the way he liked. Normally we would not put up with this behavior with snapping "no substitutions EVER"! This guy was different because he tipped very, very well... hence why we all practically killed each other to get to his table. I found out through talking to him that he was a stock broker and super successful. One day he came in and I was the lucky one to get his table. (It was a cheap move on my part while Deb was out for a "moke".. but hey fair game in the end) The topic of travel came up and my successful regular talked on and on about how work forces him to travel and this and that and how hard it was on him. He said that a great thing about all the travel was that he racked up a ton of frequent flyer miles yet he was so busy he couldn't use them and they were going to be obsolete by the years end. (personally, I've never had this problem, nor have my friends) By the end of his meal he offered me the best tip that I have ever received - Two free plane tickets anywhere in the U.S.. NO! I'm not bullshitting you. It was one of the most unbelievable things that has ever happened to me as a person and a server. I had a great trip with first class treatment, I just wish I would've been smart enough to realize that Hawaii was part of the US (nah...).

I bet you can imagine how pissed off Deb was.

This can never be topped - So don't even try. I have had other amazing tips but nothing like this.

Don't forget to tip your servers!!

THE WALKERS - Please sit down, I'll be right with you. SIT DOWN!!!

The walkers are the people that cannot sit still, sit down, or let you take care of them at the restaurant. For some odd reason they don't understand the concept that a restaurant has table service. I’m not sure if their seat is uncomfortable or is spring loaded, but they can't seem to sit down and stay down. 

The break down: 
Customer comes in and does approximately two laps of the restaurant ignoring my greetings. Finally the antsy patron narrows in on one table that feels right and sits reluctantly down. I bring a menu over and finally am able to give a proper greeting. I walk away in hopes that he will look at the menu and take it in. I am hopeful yet again know this idea of normalcy will fail. The customer is out of their seat taking in the drink board behind the bar or walking up to our open kitchen counter asking questions. It takes me a minute to figure out this is the same exact customer that just sat and not a new customer. "I'll be right over to your table, we have full table service" I say with a pleading and patient tone. "Oh Okay" the patron says as they continue to stare wildly around and returning to their seat. (In my head I think: SIT DOWN!!!) I manage to finally get an order from "antsy pantsy" and walk away. In the time it takes the food to come the customer has done a lap outside and inside the restaurant, gone to the bathroom, picked up a weekly paper, and come up to the bar. (SIT DOWN!!!) I bring the food out to "Mr. I Can't Sit Still" and check if they need anything else. I walk away and feel a strange sensation behind like I'm being followed..... guess what I am. The antsy pantsy customer is behind me holding food and asking questions about the beers.(SIT DOWN!!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SIT DOWN!!!!). I get the drink order and let them know calmly that I will bring it over to the table. While pouring beer, I notice the same customer ordering more food from the kitchen. (WTF!!! SIT THE FUCK DOWN!!!). This continues on and on for the extent of the visit and all the while I keep sweetly suggesting that I will serve you at the table. 


Common types that portray this behavior:


Middle Aged Single Men - I believe that they are using the restaurant as an exercise in control. (SIT DOWN!!)


Soccer Moms - Everything MUST be perfect for little Billy's team party. Mom just can't sit still and practically guides you in how to serve their table. (NO, REALLY.. SIT DOWN!!! I GOT THIS.)


Crazy People -  Literally... crazy people! They appear normal until they start with the odd behavior. I actually had a guy exhibit all the behavior above but then added the special touches of standing on a chair and talking to the window and walls. (UH... SIT DOWN!! AND STOP TALKING TO THE WALLS)


I will never understand this mentality. Why go out to eat? Please understand that most competent servers are aware of the needs of the customer... we got you. 


SIT DOWN!!!