I commend those that go out to eat with their tykes in tow, yet being a server I have mixed feelings about it. First off.. I want to congratulate you on the new addition to the family, aww how sweet. And second.. I'd like to ask you to please control your child.
I've seen it all when it comes to kids, parents, and family dining. On one hand you have the best well behaved child that is a joy and on the other hand you have Satan's spawn destroying everything. It's not just on the kids here folks, the parents are the problem/blessing.
Let's start with the well behaved children, shall we?
Little Judy has come in with her parents and is attentive, quiet, and chalked full of manners. Anytime she addresses me she says "please" and "thank you", starting everything off politely with "may I please have...". This is awesome! Thank you parents for instilling amazing manners in your child. I do however wonder: A) is this child from another planet and do they want to destroy us? B) What the hell is going on with the parents? C) If I had a kid, this is what I want. (Yet, I do have to say that the manners are teetering on very strange)
Now let's move on to the other kids.
I'm actually not sure it's the kids we can talk about here, after all it's what the parents are willing to let their kids do or get away with, or possibly what they've been taught.
Please don't do these things:
Please don't release your kids for the restaurant staff to deal with. I'm thrilled you get to have a beer in a hip environment and feel cool even with your kids around, but we're not babysitters. Guess what else? We aren't a jungle gym, if that's what you're looking for than you need to go to a crappy fast food chain, they love that shit.
We are so proud that little Dylan can go to the bathroom alone, please at least be at a "stand by" post to help out in case something might go wrong. Toilet paper is not a toy, peeing on the wall is not art, the sink is not a fountain of water fun, and missing the toilet pooping sucks for everyone.
If I could attach some sort of electric generator to your kids to power the place I would, but I can't. Please do not let your kids run laps through the restaurant like they're trying out for the Olympics. Isn't our little Apple the cutest in her jumper running around and interacting with strangers..... whoops! Little Apple just got kicked by one of the busy servers... how dare those servers!!! And that's when the blood curdling screams of agony explode from the child and the wait staff is traumatized and the parents are looking for someone to blame. Yeah... don't do that.
Then we have the OCD overprotective over-prepared parent that brings the house with them. They sit down and pull out the disposable kiddie place mat, cheerios, juice, wipes, band-aids, milk, diaper changing tools, toys, baby powder, etc, etc. The only thing they did forget is the dust buster to clean it all up when they leave. Good job!! your baby was pretty quiet the whole time.. and thanks for the fucking mess. These are also the type that refer to their baby as "my baby". On a busy Friday night a woman stopped me dead in my tracks and said: "my baby needs a napkin". I just want to point out that YOU need the napkin for your baby, your baby doesn't give a shit.
Secret parental language that involve talking as if the child isn't there or doesn't know what you're saying..I'm pretty sure your kids can figure out what you're doing since they are rearranging the contact list on your phone as you order. I take a drink order at a table, dad orders juice for the kids and refers to the beer he's ordering as "daddy's juice". Whoa!! that's just wrong and gross. I don't need to hear that and neither do your kids. Beer is beer, wine is wine - It is not "daddy's juice", "daddy's milk", "mommies medicine" etc. Use your big words and say it like an adult please.
Hey.. get the WD-40 and quite that squeak!!! Translation: the high pitched squeal and scream that your child is making is everyone's favorite thing to listen to. No, really it's my favorite. Please try and quite the kid - my baby needs peace.
No clothes, No service!! This means your kids too. Please put on your kids pants. No one wants to eat while watching your kid run around naked. This is not your living room.
Don't even get me started on breast feeding in public. It happens.. I know. You should invest in one of those cool wrap style thingies to cover the show. It's awkward telling the kitchen staff to return to their stations and stop trying to get a hint of nipple.
I know you all must think I'm the biggest jerk ever and you're probably right. Simply said...just be aware of the that going out to eat is a public event and not your house.
Oh and by the way - I charge more to babysit than I get paid to serve.
